


One Shared Brain Cell

by Onlymystory



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy | Andromache of Scythia Regains Immortality, Crack, F/F, Immortal Found Family, M/M, Multi, Quynh's back, because why not, but it entertains me, but mostly this is just the most ridiculous crack fic, this is ridiculous on all levels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:49:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25739089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymystory/pseuds/Onlymystory
Summary: No one told Nicky he’s not supposed to text Booker while Booker’s grounded.Or the crack-fic wherein Nile discovers that most of the time the team shares one brain cell.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Nile Freeman/Quynh | Noriko, Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 112
Kudos: 905





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know how there are so many angsty and introspective ways to write about our immortal found family and all that they’ve struggled with and lived through over the centuries?  
> This is not that story.
> 
> Honestly this is not even close to the dumbest thing my brain has ever decided to write and I'm very okay with it.

“Nile, what does grounded mean?!” hollers Nicky from the hammock. 

“That you’re not allowed out of the house and can’t see your friends or do anything fun!” Nile turns away from Andy, crinkles her nose up at Nicky. “Why?”

Andy hits her with the sword.

“Ow! What the fuck?!”

“Pay attention.”

“I was answering a question!”

“Learn to multitask.”

Nile growls. “Sometimes I hate you.”

“Not what you said last night,” smirks Andy.

Nile rolls her eyes and parries back. Asks her question again. “Nicky, why do you need to know what grounded means?”

“Booker wants to know if he’s grounded,” answers Nicky.

“You’re texting Booker?”

Nicky attempts to sit up, falls sideways in the hammock, twists one leg in the netting, and gives up. “I needed to know the name of a patisserie that had really good macarons.”

Andy laughs and comes at Nile harder. “Nicky, you do get how much of a cliche you are right now, right?”

Nicky does. “I am who I am. Anyway, Deliveroo will have it here in 40 minutes so whatever.” 

“You better have ordered enough to share,” says Andy.

“Now who is the cliche?” questions Nicky. Then…”Joe my love?”

“Yes?” Joe’s been lounging on the outside couch for hours alternating between his phone and a book. (Nile knows it’s a settee, but it looks like a couch, it should be called a couch.)

“Can you help me get out of the hammock? I seem to be a little bit tangled up.”

He’s a lot tangled up, actually. To the point that it’s difficult to tell where the hammock starts and Nicky ends. 

“Joe?”

In a feat that Nile had heretofore not known was possible, Joe’s head is bowed over his phone, texting viciously. She’s both impressed at his speed--especially since Nicky henpecks like an absolute disaster at any keyboard and Andy refuses to use anything more modern than a flip-phone--and that he’s capable of ignoring Nicky. 

“Yusuf!” yells Nicky.

“In a minute!” yells Joe back, not looking up. If it’s possible to make thumbs angry, Joe’s thumbs are very angry. 

Nile pauses to stare at Joe, totally confused. 

Andy hits her in the arm. 

It only bleeds a little, but still. “Pause, damn Andy. Um, Joe?”

“This absolute imbecile is trying to suggest that Zati is far superior to Baki in terms of his command of language and it’s application in poetry which is just absurd!” Joe switches into several other languages to add a mix of curse words. “And he calls himself a scholar!”

“Nile,” calls Nicky. “Please help me out.”

She goes. “Is he okay?” she asks quietly. 

“I am fine!” yells Joe, not sounding fine at all. “I am going to kill Booker, that is all.”

“So is everyone texting Booker?”

“I’m not,” says Andy. 

“Do you even text anyone?” 

“No. But I write him a nice long letter ever few days and drop it in the mail.” 

“Joe will be okay,” says Nicky, which, honestly Nile had completely forgotten about that already. “There are certain things it’s impossible to discuss with him and 16th century Turkish poets are one of them.”

Nile considers this. Considers asking a follow-up question and thinks better of it. “I thought we had the big moment of telling Booker he had to leave us for one hundred years for his betrayal?” She finally gets Nicky’s foot free of the last of the hammock. Naturally, now that he’s not tangled up in anything, he falls over. This gets Joe’s attention and he runs over to help Nicky up, hands running over him as though he might be horrifically disfigured from a three-foot fall onto grass. Joe glares at Nile as though she deliberately pushed Nicky over.

She pushes Joe over instead.

Andy snickers at all of them, while Nicky pushes himself up to a sitting position. “We can’t just not talk to Booker. That would be so mean.”

“So he’s not really grounded?”

“No, he is,” says Andy.

“We couldn’t just not do anything about his betrayal,” adds Joe. He has this look in his eye that tells Nile she’s going to regret pushing him in the future. “And at the time we thought Andy’s mortality was going to stick so it didn’t really seem right to test fate by killing him.”

“Besides,” says Nicky, “Andy’s French is atrocious so someone has to translate her letters to Booker.”

“My French is excellent, asshole,” says Andy, finally tossing her sword aside and flopping down onto the grass like the rest of them. 

“Your French hasn’t been spoken since the 14th century,” returns Nicky. He speaks it in flawless French, at least the version Nile speaks, but he’s clearly not totally wrong because Andy looks like she wants to stab him but also doesn’t want to deal with Joe’s reaction if she did. 

“So we’re just going to text Booker for a hundred years?” asks Nile, double-checking. 

“Ha!” laughs Joe. “You act like we’re the odd ones, but you have been in contact as well.”

“He didn’t betray  _ me _ .” 

Joe shrugs. “Booker will be back for your birthday next week anyway, that’s probably long enough for punishment. If he’s still annoying, Nicky and I will just have loud sex in the room next to his for a week until he learns his lesson.”

Honestly, thinks Nile, they could have just done that in the first place.

~

When Booker arrives at the party, Joe shoots him anyway.

He saves the wine that was in Booker’s hand though, so Booker forgives him.

Andy yells at Joe for using a gun instead of a knife and getting blood in the spaghetti sauce.

Nicky yells at Andy for making spaghetti with sauce from a jar. Then for making spaghetti in general. Then for yelling at Joe.

Andy stabs Nicky after the fourth time he insults her in Italian.

Joe stabs Andy.

Nile steals a bottle of wine and all the garlic bread and runs away to the garden when the rest of them start a four-way sword fight in the middle of the kitchen.

Mmm whatcha say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this is super unlikely because Nile probably wouldn’t be pranked by this because she is fluent in Spanish and French and so Italian would be conceptually familiar enough to know this was wrong. But it’s fun in the story.   
> Some of these are spinoffs of tumblr memes so you can definitely suggest scenarios.

Nile knew, growing up, that her family wasn’t like others. Losing her dad combined with her mother’s fortitude had bonded them in ways that other families weren’t.

Turns out, murdering evil CEOs and mercenary armies while coming back from the dead will also bond you pretty well to a new family. 

Also...her new family is a bunch of assholes.

* * *

“NIIIIICKKKKYYYY!!!” screams Nile, slamming the door closed behind her.

“Somebody’s in trouble,” sings Booker.

“Yes?” Nicky asks, from where he’s lying on the couch, head in Joe’s lap. Joe’s reading some old book. Well. Actually it looks like an old book, but last time Nile thought that and picked it up, it was just a very old looking cover around a copy of Pippi Longstocking. So grain of salt and all that. Nicky is of course lying down, because if there’s anything remotely resembling a bed in the room, Nicky will find it. 

Nile can only assume that’s because Joe sleeps like the proverbial dead at night, so Nicky’s on higher alert then. “What. the fuck. Did. you. Do?”

“What did I do?”

“Don’t play innocent with me!”

Nicky looks indignant. “I am not playing innocent. I was very clear about your options and what choice you would regret. If you made an error in judgment, that’s on you.”

“You tricked me!”

Booker laughs. “Ooh, Andy’s gonna be pissed. We’re not supposed to prank the new kid until at least three years in.”

“Andy spends four days a week poking holes in Nile with a sword or a dagger or that one memorable day with a pike,” offers Joe.

“Thank you, my love,” says Nicky, pulling Joe down for a kiss.

Nile glares. “All I asked you to do was teach me a few nice expressions of appreciation and/or gratitude in Italian, so I could be courteous while I was exploring.”

Booker chokes on his drink. “Oh shit, you did not.”

Joe cracks up laughing. “Let me guess, Nico told you that if you want to show your appreciation in a language, you should show your appreciation  _ for _ the language and learn it first.”

“Yes.”

Nicky looks ridiculously smug. 

Booker and Joe laugh so hard that Andy actually comes inside from the backyard or wherever she was, probably gazing lovingly at an ancient weapon. “What’s going on?”

“I asked Nicky to teach me a little bit of Italian since I was going shopping.”

Andy snorts. “Oh, that was a terrible idea.”

“Yeah, I got that now!” yells Nile. “Of course, most of the people I talked to just gave me weird looks until finally this little eight year old punk goes ‘dude, you just told my grandma that her eyes shined brighter than the sweat on a mare’s back as it foals.’ Do I even need to tell you embarrassing that was? What the fuck have I been saying to people?!”

Joe laughs so hard he ends up knocking Nicky to the floor, tries to bend down to help him up and falls into a bigger laughing fit when Nicky says “Instead of saying ‘I’m new here, I look forward to getting to know you’, you’ve been saying ‘I’m the GOAT and I came to party.’”

Even Andy takes a knee on that one, using Booker to hold herself steady as she shakes with laughter.

Nile is thoroughly unamused. “I will have my revenge, Nicky. Oh, I will have my revenge and it will be bitter.”

* * *

Nile asks Nicky once at dinner, “Does it ever bother you that the Church says you’re going to hell for your love?”

“I’m not going to hell,” replies Nicky.

“Duh. I mean like what Catholicism says, not what I think,” amends Nile.

Nicky rolls his eyes. “I know what you meant. But it’s fine. I was a Crusader.”

Because that explains everything, thinks Nile. “Okay?” she says out loud, drawing out the word.

Nicky smirks. “I have a plenary indulgence.” 

“You have a what now?”

“He has a permit,” interjects Joe.

Nicky leers. “A sex permit.” 

Nile stares. “You have a sex permit.”

Nicky looks ridiculously smug. “From the Pope.”

* * *

They leave Italy and head back to France. Nicky complains the whole way there until Booker takes his shoes off while they’re on the train, shoves both dirty socks in Nicky’s mouth and tells him to shut up.

When Booker falls asleep, Joe puts gum in his hair.

Booker starts a fight of epic proportions that ends when Andy throws all of them off the train and tells them to walk. 

The spot where she pushes them off is literally twenty yards away from the train’s next stop so it’s kind of a hollow victory. Also Nicky stepped in cow dung when he got shoved out of the train so the rest of the ride is miserable.

* * *

They’ve been in Paris all of a week when Joe comes to Nile and says he wants in on the revenge plan, so long as Booker gets pranked too.

“You’re really going to help me?” asks Nile. “Without snitching to Nicky?”

Joe crosses his heart and swears. “As long as no physical harm will come to my Nicky, I’m in.”

She hesitates. “Are you sure Booker will be okay? He hasn’t been back that long.”

“Booker would be more upset if he was left out,” says Joe.

Nile’s not totally sure about trusting Joe, but her plan is harmless and will be kind of entertaining if they can trick Booker too.

They buy the shittiest wine they can find, cleanly remove the labels, and hide it in Nile’s room. Whenever Booker and Nicky are out of the house or distracted, either Nile or Joe steal whatever good bottles have been selected for the week, switch the labels to their god-awful bottles and replace the stash with no one the wiser. 

For days, Nicky and Booker blame each other’s poor taste. Then they go shopping together. 

“I don’t understand,” bemoans Nicky on the second week of opening a couple of bottles for dinner, letting them breathe, and then feeling like he’s drinking little better than vinegar with a chalky aftertaste. 

“Maybe you’re just remembering the wrong wines,” suggests Joe. “Perhaps if we look through some of my old drawings it will trigger a memory.”

“But Booker is wrong too!” wails Nicky. “I know he has terrible taste in so many things but he can usually be relied upon to choose a decent beverage.”

“Chicken’s good,” says Nile, like she isn’t listening to Nicky’s rant at all. Or Booker’s consistent rage every time he sips his wine, nearly spits it back out, puts his glass down, forgets, and does the entire process again.

Booker stops with his glass halfway back to his mouth. “Wait. You two…” he motions between Joe and Nile with his free hand. 

“What about us?” they ask in perfect unison. Nile will have to high-five Joe later.

“You aren’t drinking wine,” says Booker.

Nicky stops and looks at them both, then at their cocktails. “You...you two haven’t had wine in weeks. Not since we got to France.”

Nile smirks. “Told you I’d have my revenge.”

~

Twenty-five minutes later, after Nicky gets his yelling out and then Nile tells him where he can shove it in flawless Italian because yes she has been practicing thank you very much, Andy reaches across the table and takes Booker’s glass, finishes it off in one drink, then grabs Nicky’s glass too.

“Tastes fine to me,” says Andy, taking a long swig.

“Seriously?” asks Nile incredulously.

“You don’t get an opinion,” says Nicky in a tone that implies Andy is an absolute plebe. 

Andy shrugs and pours herself another glass. “Sometimes you’re very snobby about what you drink.”

“Says the woman who spent two months in a women’s prison in America and when she got out asked if it was possible to bottle some of the toilet hooch and bring it with her,” says Nicky. He looks as disgusted as Nile feels. 

“You didn’t?!”

“They were very resourceful,” sniffs Andy, like she’s the normal one.

~

“Thank you for helping me,” says Nile while Booker and Nicky are out buying good wine to “wash the taste of swill out” the selection of which will probably be locked up for the duration of their stay. “Are you sure Nicky’s not going to be mad that you played a prank on him?”

Joe shrugs. “He may be annoyed, but it’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Mmm,” replies Joe. “After all, if I do something wrong, I need to be punished,” he adds with a devilish grin.

Nile stares. “I just threw up in my mouth.”

She makes Joe do the rest of the dishes alone. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Quynh's back. I didn't include an explanation of how or why because well, then I'd have to give a how or why for other aspects of this fic and lbr, those don't exist.

The first time she tries baklava, Nile’s pretty sure Andy’s going to murder her and Nicky’s going to make it stick. 

Well. It’s not the first time, she’s had baklava before and that shit is delicious and expensive. But it’s also so delicious that the expense makes sense. Anyway, the point over here on her left is that baklava is a wonderful dessert that Nile has enjoyed on several occasions. 

She has not, however, had it since becoming immortal.

So when Nicky brings out a tray of little squares and triangles of the stuff, unnecessarily arranged in little rows, Nile reaches out for a few pieces. 

You have to move fast with this group or you don’t eat. 

Especially since Quynh. 

Who can out eat any of them and that’s saying something.

Nile pops a couple of the pieces in her mouth--damn, that’s good--and reaches for two more while Nicky’s saying something to Andy. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” screams Nicky suddenly, startling the shit out of Nile. She chokes on the bite she’s eating. Booker and Joe unhelpfully slap her on the back. Thankfully, she manages to get it down because honestly, she doesn’t really want choking to death on a dessert to be one of the ways she’s died as an immortal. 

She’d never live down the indignity.

“I’m eating dessert,” she says to Nicky, with an impeccable eye-roll. “Obviously.”

“Never touch the baklava,” hisses Booker.

Joe and Quynh are as useful as ever, cackling at each other from their shared over-sized chair. There’s definitely money changing hands between them.

“You’ve completely messed up the order!” yells Nicky.

“What order? The weird little rows?”

“They are organized by region and flavor profile so Andy can appreciate the nuances of each piece, so Quynh knows which ones she wouldn’t have tried yet, and Joe can have extra of the Greek style, because they’re his favorite even though he pretends he’s not that predictable! I even got pakhlava for Booker!”

Nile stares. “So, you took the time to make or buy enough variety in one type of dessert for everyone to have their favorite, which is beyond kind, and you’re expressing that kindness by screaming at me?” She adds a quiver to her voice at the end.

“Well...I mean…” stammers Nicky. 

Quynh and Andy silently applaud her behind Nicky’s back.

“Was there even any for me on that tray?” she asks, doing her best to bring a tear to her eye. “I know I’m too new to really feel like family yet, but I thought we were getting a little closer.”

Nicky collapses to his knees in front of her, takes his hands gently in his. “Oh Nile, I am so sorry. I would never try to exclude you. It’s just that there’s history here and I wanted to do something special...for you too,” he insists, “and I had a whole thing prepared.”

Behind him, the others are stealing the rest of the baklava and honestly, this is exactly why Nile snagged her share asap. 

“Um, Nicky?” interrupts Nile before he can finish explaining more on the history of baklava. Because well, seriously? It’s a fucking dessert.

“What, Nile?” and damn can Nicky work some attitude into the way he says someone’s name. Usually that kind of sass is reserved for Booker.

Nile just points at Quynh, who’s currently eating the last piece on the tray. 

Quynh shrugs as Nicky’s facial expressions go apoplectic and swallows. “It is what it is. The Armenian one was awesome, get that again.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by a tumblr post that suggested Andy, Quynh, Nicky, and Joe have to split into straight couples for a mission and place bets on who can stay in character. 
> 
> This was my take on that for this ridiculous excuse for a fic. As usual, no interest in continuity here, just cracky snippets. I truly feel like I could've flipped a coin for whether Nicky or Joe would be more awkward in this role, but it amused me more to put Nicky in a sniper role for this. 
> 
> Consider this chapter to have an M rating for a bit of porny dialogue here and there.

“I just don’t understand why Booker and I aren’t the ones pretending to be a couple,” says Nile. “We make the most sense.” 

They’re currently trying to get in good with another big pharma CEO--one who is definitely more chill with his approach to things than Merrick was--though, by more chill, Nile means is a stone-cold scumbag who does not get personally involved so he can more easily throw his employees under the bus if they get caught doing their illegal shit. 

Copley’s been on a bit of a fixation against pharma CEOs, which Nile gets, and this one is more connected than they initially thought, hence the need to make a personal connection. Apparently the wife is equally involved in her husband’s work of screwing people over before murdering them. 

An invitation was managed to be obtained to an elaborate dinner party, for which a couple was needed. And because the 1% are still bigoted assholes, it was quickly apparent that a seemingly heterosexual couple was needed. 

For the record, Nile would like to make it clear that is not the couple currently trying to schmooze their way into the inner circle. 

“How do you figure that?” hisses Andy as she turns away to snag a fresh glass of champagne from a waiter and uses the move to cover her words.

Nile loves these new comms. They’re amazing.

“For starters, we’re the only ones who have fucked the opposite sex at any point this century.”

“Also we’re hot,” says Booker.

Nile high-fives him. Damn right they are.

“You don’t think I’m hot, Nile?” asks Joe, pretending to pout.

“I think you’re hot,” says Nicky.

“Remind me again why you’re in a sniper’s perch, Nicky?” asks Nile.

Booker rolls his eyes and mutters “Because he’s ridiculous.”

“If I have to watch a roomful of people stare at my husband’s ass, I reserve the right to have a clear shot to shoot them in theirs,” returns Nicky, like they are the ones being ridiculous.

“They lost a bet,” says Quynh, sounding slightly out of breath. She’s supposed to be running perimeter security. Nile suspects that whereas Nicky is just considering murder, Quynh is actually doing it. But since she’s very good at it, no one says anything.

“What was the bet?”

Booker groans. “Don’t ask those things, Nile. No one ever wants to know.”

“It was more like a game of chicken,” says Quynh.

“And you cheated,” says Nicky.

“I didn’t cheat!”

“Lies and blasphemy!”

“Anyway!!” interrupts Nile.

“It’s between us,” says Nicky and by some miracle, Quynh seems to allow that.

Nile sighs. “Whatever. Can you at least try to be slightly more convincing as a couple? Or as straight people?”

Joe huffs and steps to Andy’s side, putting an arm around her waist and pulling her in to kiss her cheek. “There,” he says with his lips hidden from public view. “Is that better?”

“No.”

“How is this not romantic?!”

“I think you are always romantic, my love.”

“Shut up, Nicky.”

“I’ll shoot you where you sit, Booker, don’t think I won’t.”

Nile and Booker both flip him off. Or at least, they raise middle fingers in the general direction of where they expect Nicky is, as though he can see them in their stakeout room. Maybe he can.

“You’re not supposed to be romantic,” says Nile. “Remember, Copley said these guys are all about trading their wives around?”

“Disgusting,” mutters Quynh. “The women should get to trade their husbands too.”

Nile rolls her eyes again. One of these days they’re going to get stuck considering how often she does it. “Joe, you’ve literally complimented every woman there while looking her in the eyes.”

“How is that a problem?!” he snaps back, indignant.

Booker snickers.

Nile ignores him. “Joe, even the most respectful straight man in the world will still drop their eyes long enough for an obvious gaze at tits or ass. A decent guy will immediately go back to looking you in the eyes, but they all look.”

Joe heaves an exasperated sigh. “Fine, I will try to emulate a  _ decent _ straight man.”

“You are not supposed to be a decent man,” says Nile, holding back her own exasperated sigh. “Find your inner fuckboy and convince this asshole that he can send the wife of whatever partner’s pissed him off this week over to your hotel.”

“And how do you propose I do that?”

“Ugh, just do exactly what I tell you,” instructs Nile. “You too, Andy.”

“I can handle myself, Nile.”

“You’ll follow instructions.”

“Whooo baby,” whistles Quynh, making an obvious sound of fanning herself.

Nile is surrounded by idiots.

“I want you to say what I say, Joe,” says Nile, “And pretend you’re trying to seduce Nicky.”

“He doesn’t have to try to seduce me,” says Nicky. “Everything about Joe is seductive. Why just this morning he…”

“Nicky, I swear to god, if you finish that sentence, I will put a cock cage on both of you and melt the keys.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” laughs Booker, before throwing up his own hands in surrender.

“Now,” continues Nile, “Joe, I want you to walk Andy over to the ladies with our mark’s wife. Not escort, walk her over like this is what you want and she knows to obey.”

“Nile, the wife…” interjects Andy.

“Lilian is a bold, assertive woman who is very good at playing the game,” says Nile. “Which means the minute Joe walks away from you, you do not have to play obedient wife anymore. Just pretend that you do what he wants in public because then he does what you want in private. And for the love of all things alcoholic, stop saying your favorite thing about Joe is that he doesn’t have breasts.”

Andy sniffs. “I would think these women would appreciate that.”

“You need them to want to fuck him.”

“Fine. How do you propose I do that?”

“NO!” yell Booker and Quynh at the same time as soon as Nicky’s comm crackles when he takes a breath and tries to answer.

“Just mention that the beard burn is forgivable when his tongue is that talented. Who doesn’t want to kill an hour sitting on that face?”

Booker stares at her.

Nile shrugs. Frankly, she doesn’t think Joe could find his way around a woman’s body if he had a map, a flashlight, and a GPS signal, but none of these women need to know that. 

Joe and Andy are at the group of ladies and just as Nile expects, Jeffrey, their douchebag target comes over to listen in on the conversation and make his own distasteful comments. 

“Repeat exactly what I say,” instructs Nile again to Joe. 

Lillian has a possessive hand on Joe’s arm, while the other ladies are pulling Andy into their little group. “Your wife is quite something,” she simpers. “Would you agree, dear?”

Jeffrey nods. “Very. That’s quite the dress,” he notes, his gaze traveling up and down Andy’s body. 

Nile can tell that Andy’s going to have fun killing him when the time comes. If she and Quynh give her the chance. Nile hasn't gotten to kill anyone in ages.

“Say yes, she does wear the dress well,” directs Nile. “But to be fair, the floor of our bedroom wears it even better.”

Nicky makes a gagging noise over the line but their targets look delighted by the imagery, so she knows it’s working.

“Now, lean in just enough to be distasteful into Lillian’s space and run your fingers along the edge of her necklace. Make sure you’re touching skin, not just jewelry, and let your hand run just low enough to tease at inappropriate. Look at Jeffrey while you do it and tell him he clearly has excellent taste in jewelry,” continues Nile, pausing as Joe follows her instructions. “Though you can’t help but think she’d look better in pearls.”

Booker spits his drink.

Quynh dies of laughter.

Andy just manages to hide her smirk.

“I don’t get it,” says Nicky.

Nile slams a pillow into her face and screams. This mission can't end fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason the bet is between Nicky and Quynh is because I couldn't think of anything while I was writing this so I took the lazy way out instead of coming up with one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if my attempts at formatting the text part of this is a complete disaster. I tried.

Nile’s phone goes off--again--while in the middle of a vicious game of Monopoly. She’s on a team with Quynh, which means they buy up literally everything they land on and demand exorbitant trades from anyone who wants one of their properties.

This doesn’t always work, because Booker and Andy are notorious cheaters. Nile knows that Booker’s got a stash of fake Monopoly money--which is an all kinds of wrong combination of words--hidden somewhere, most likely on Andy’s person, which they will use to pay for what they want. 

Nile will just add another three grand to the asking price of Baltic Avenue. Fuck ‘em.

One time they asked Copley to play and now he’s banned from all games. Somehow he played the entire thing clean as a whistle and wiped the floor with all of them. Andy was so mad. She threw the boat token so hard it’s now embedded in a brick wall. No one’s been able to remove it.

Joe and Nicky are the final team, because of course they are. 

They play the same way every time. Joe convinces Nicky to buy up one corner of the board, “it’s like it’s our little corner of the world” and then Nicky says they should also get the railroads because “my heart will always travel back to you”.

Barf.

Nile will remind everyone of this.

Andy will completely forget what happens every single time they play, dismiss the strategy as stupid, and let them buy what they want.

Quynh swears the dice are rigged because she and Nile never land on a property that Joe wants.

Nicky pretends to be the loving, supportive husband, who goes along with whatever Joe wants until they have all of the property that Joe chose. Then he suddenly produces all of the money they’ve saved, dumps hotels on everything, and snarls like a feral cat anytime someone lands on something they own. 

The point to all of this is that if they’re all playing a game, her phone should be silent.

“I swear Nicky if you’re posting up another 42 installment insta-story of Joe sketching a tomato, I will kill you,” says Nile as she checks her phone.

They probably shouldn’t even have Instagram on any of their phones, but Copley’s got a guy who did some funky shit that means they can post things and still be completely untraceable. Nile’s is just random shots of places she’s been, never identifiable, just to remind her.

Quynh won’t let any of them follow hers, but Nile saw it once and is pretty sure it looks like a black and white aesthetic blog but is actually pictures of blood splatters from their missions.

It’s very disturbing.

Nothing is as disturbing as Nicky’s however. He does story sets of Joe sketching, which are nothing more than Joe’s hands and the sketch. The rest of his posts are all pictures of Joe’s hands. He gets an equal amount of comments about porn as he does about art. He hit 600k followers last month and wouldn’t shut up about it.

It’s not Instagram. 

It’s worse.

“Seriously? Seriously?!” Nile glares at both of them. “How many times have we said, no romantic gooey shit in the group chat? No one wants to hear that.”

“First of all, we weren’t being romantic,” says Nicky, giving her that judgey look he’s obviously spent several centuries perfecting. “Second of all, you’re one to talk about things no one wants to hear.”

“Excuse me?”

Joe and Booker snort with laughter at the same time. 

Nile and Andy both glare at Booker as one, who quickly shuts up. He knows what side his bread is buttered on.

Andy looks at her phone. “Oh yeah no, this isn’t being romantic, Nile.”

“How?!” snaps Nile, turning her phone so Quynh and Booker can gauge. 

_9:08 pm_

**Joe**

I can’t believe Andy didn’t choose the knight for her token this time.

 **Nicky**

I think it’s a cowboy .

**Joe**

It could be a knight.

**Nicky**

St. George? *winky-face* 

**Joe**

Shall you defeat the dragon, fair sir? Or shall it defeat you?

 **Nicky**

A talent such as yours could best the dragon and make a garment of evergreen. 

_9:25 pm._

**Nicky**

Once we’ve won this game (or Andy throws the table) shall we have a round or two of backgammon? 

**Joe**

With you, my darling, I could play backgammon all night.

Quynh bursts out laughing. “Oh Nile, bless your modern heart. This is sexting.”

“Sexting?” It can’t possibly be...except Joe’s elbowing Booker in the side and snickering, while Nicky is wearing his ‘I’m irrationally proud of myself’ expression. The one he only wears when he’s especially horny.

These, like so many other things, are not what Nile has ever wanted to know.

“New rule,” she says firmly. “No sexting in the group chat either.” Then she flips the table and destroys the game because Andy’s not the only one who gets to. And Nile has to live with these people.

* * *

The first seventeen times they go to a new museum, Nile demands to know if ‘the could possibly be an Italian man’ in each painting is Nicky.

Apparently it’s not.

On the eighteenth time, Joe insists on visiting a limited run sculpture exhibit.

“Is this Nicky?” asks Nile, staring up at the face of one made of marble. “It could be his face if you squint.”

“No, that’s not Nicky’s face,” says Joe. He adjusts her head to tilts her gaze down. “But that’s his cock. You definitely don’t need to squint to see it.”

Nile turns to stare at Joe, somewhat speechless, while the rest of her asshole family cracks up laughing behind her. “Seriously?”

Nicky nods, blushing fiercely. “He is not wrong.”

“I don’t have to squint to see the real thing either,” says Joe with a devilish smirk and a grope of his husband’s ass.

Nile looks at both of them. “No.”

She turns back to the rest of them. “C’mon Booker, you can show me which things in the rest of this museum are also obviously fake exaggerations.”

They all get thrown out after the fight Joe starts. 

Totally worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will 1000000% be writing more in this story, so if you like it, please subscribe (or stay subscribed). I just marked it as finished because I know some of us don't read wips and I don't think this should count as a wip since there is literally nothing resembling a plot in here. And never will be.  
> Well. Unless the plot is Nile learning how to live with this family of magnificent disasters.
> 
> These are real euphemisms throughout history.  
> "Play backgammon" = gay sex. That one's pretty easy.  
> "Give someone a green gown" = One of the oldest euphemisms from the 14th century. Essentially, sex in the grass, which would of course make a gown green.  
> "St George and the dragon" = reverse cowgirl  
> Obvs some of these aren't originally ones that would fit Joe & Nicky, but much like immortality, they make it work.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and hurrah. There are a LOT of bits of ideas that I’ve tucked away over the last few months or so. But the most vocal plot bunnies was one formed off a tumble post about basically all of the Old Guard except Nile failing miserably at Jeopardy) and so we’re back in business!  
> As always, if you’re new here and enjoyed this, do subscribe because while there’s no such thing as a coherent plot, I will continue to add little snippets as suits my fancy. I suspect paintball will be next.
> 
> I put Jeopardy categories in bold and answer clues in italics to differentiate from the dialogue.

Nile finishes her shower after her training session with Quynh and heads down the hall, only to freeze in the doorway. “What are you guys up to?” she asks, looking suspiciously at her team. They’re all gathered in the living space of their Calapan safe house like it's a movie night, which wouldn’t be so strange, except for the very expectant looks she’s getting. “Please don’t tell me Andy’s in the mood to cook again. My stomach still hasn’t recovered from three months ago.”

“Rude,” huffs Andy. “I’m a great cook.”

Everyone gives her a look of complete disdain. Andy is a terrible cook, something that has been well established. According to the team, Andy used to only insist on making an attempt every other decade or so, but since Quynh came back, she’s been getting these weird bursts of domesticity. 

It’s horrible.

Joe shakes his head. “No, no, nothing like that. Booker got Netflix hooked up though and we can finally watch that jeopardy show you like so much.”

Nicky hisses in his ear. “We’re supposed to play something while we watch.”

Joe shrugs. “We’re just excited! Come and sit, Nile. Nicky made lunch..”

It will pass the time, figures Nile, though she can’t say she’s looking forward to getting absolutely trounced by the rest of them. She was always the undisputed winner of any group when it came to Jeopardy trivia, but that’s bound to go out the window by playing with immortals. “Alright,” she says, taking the beer that Nicky passes her and sitting down next to Quynh. “But don’t be jackasses when I don’t know as much as you. No one likes an ungracious winner.”

* * *

On the one hand, Nile is right. On the other, it’s hard to really hold that thought when she’s thoroughly trouncing every single one of them. 

They’ve got a pile of assorted coins on the floor and if you get an answer right, you get to take a coin. Whoever has the most at the end, wins and thus gets to pick where they order dinner from tonight. Nile is utterly dominating, because, as the rest keep trying to argue, just because they were alive through history doesn’t mean they remember it all. 

“There are a lot of people trying to kill each other,” protests Joe. “I had more important things to focus on.”

“And what are those, my love?” croons Nicky, tilting his head up from Joe’s shoulder to gaze at him.

“Your eyes,” answers Joe. “Your lips. Your touch. Your co…”

Nile throws the rest of her water at them.

The only one giving Nile a run for her money is Quynh, who’s had to cram 400+ years of history into the last few months to catch up on everything she missed. Considering the woman has an eidetic memory, the only thing giving Nile an edge is her knowledge of pop culture.

* * *

“We were living through history,” sniffs Booker disdainfully. “You can’t expect us to remember a bunch of random facts.”

“That’s fair,” asserts Nicky. He looks disgusted with himself for taking Booker’s side.

“The question was “ _ This battle fought on Sept 7, 1812, was a turning point in Napoleon’s Russian Campaign _ .”

“So?” asks Booker.

“It’s the Battle of Borodino!”

“Your point?”

“You literally fought in that battle, deserted Napoleon’s army, and were hung for treason three days later.”

Nicky looks between Nile and Booker several times, then glances to Joe who nods in confirmation with Nile. “I take it back,” he says to Booker. “You’re an idiot.”

Booker shoves him off the couch.

In the ensuing scuffle, Quynh steals the rest of the chocolate from Nicky’s plate and promptly blames Joe as soon as Nicky notices.

* * *

Geography might be the most hilarious category. Difficult ones like  _ Danish islands that sound like ancient Egyptian rulers _ (the Faroe Islands) they all get, though Nile loses her fair share of those. It’s the easy ones that get missed. Like in  **“European Geography”** when Nicky’s (extremely excited) answer to  _ Alphabetically, the countries in Europe run from Albania to this tiny landlocked natio _ n is “Switzerland!”

Nile stares at Nicky as she and Booker both answer “Vatican City” at the same time and are confirmed to be correct a moment later. 

“You’re Italian,” says Booker in puzzled tones.

“You’re Catholic,” adds Nile, as judgmental as she can possibly sound. “Also Ukraine exists.”

“I’m Genoese!” yells Nicky, “ITALY DIDN’T EVEN EXIST YET!” and refuses to play for the next three rounds.

* * *

Andy loses nearly every category.

She has three reasons (excuses).

  1. She was too busy fucking Quynh to pay attention to that nonsense.
  2. Every other dude mentioned, Andy asks if she killed that one. If she didn’t, she asks why not.
  3. Names of cities, countries, and art are “meaningless. Now, the name of a good horse, that should be a category*.” 



*In one episode,  **“For Want of a Horseshoe Nail** ” is the category. It is all equine questions. Andy gets every single one wrong. She does, however, after confirming that Catherine the Great did not, in fact, fuck a horse, tell a long and lurid story about a glorious week with Catherine where they never got out of bed.

* * *

When they’re not getting the most inane questions wrong, they’re yelling at the TV for getting it wrong (Nicky & Quynh) or being boring (Andy & Joe) or not enough good booze around (Andy).

Booker’s usual complaint is “well maybe I would have remembered that important historical moment if I’d had a little peace and quiet. But would you like to know how the sex was on Nicky and Joe’s 847th anniversary? Because I can tell you that answer. In detail.”

* * *

Quynh squeaks by with a win in the final round. 

Booker gloats for a solid five minutes about how grateful he is that Quynh won because now maybe they can finally get some decent food. The mission went more than a little squirrely so they’ve been on strict lockdown for six weeks, with only Joe able to get out to pick up supplies. His face was the only one not made in their escape and they weren’t able to get far enough away to risk anyone else venturing out.

It would be fine, except of course Booker and Joe had to make a bet.

Again.

And as a result, Joe’s made them all eat Jollibees for the last eight nights in a row. He won’t even go to the good one that’s six blocks away, but to the one that always messes up something.

Booker makes everyone feel like being petty, that’s his gift, muses Nile.

Quynh picks KFC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I did way more research than I intended to find the right level of teamwork pettiness in restaurant choices from Quynh and Joe that also made sense for a safe house in Calapan, but such is this fandom.  
> All of the categories and questions are legit Jeopardy ones. Though they’d be more varied than this in actual episodes obviously. Fun fact, several of the ones I claim to be easy actually stumped contestants when they aired on the show.


End file.
